BACK IN DA SADDLE

Sorrrrrry. Jeez. You'd a thought I farted in church or something the way these girly little worried-Wandas were acting. Fucking Taibbi called the police about me not showing up for a couple days. I mean McElwee's old lady goes to the same card reader I do and I told her to tell her to tell him that I had to go take care of some shit. But, whatever.

So, get this: those Beast guys that I was just talking about showed me, a couple weeks back, how to use that interweb stuff. You can totally be on a computer and see all kinds of porn. Some of it is real dirty shit. And so I'm going back and forth seeing all this crud, although some of it is quite sexy, and I see this section where this chick is a dominatrix or whatever. I guess dudes would have her tie them up with ropes and then pinch them and slap them or even pee on them and sometimes kick them in the nuts and shit like that. And I'm looking at this, and even though this chick has a mask on part of her face, I can totally fucking recognize her. I'm going- Where the fuck do I know her from? Then it hits me; she was like this real mousy wuss from high school that never got any boys and never talked to anybody and probably got all "A's" and all that. So I'm like -"Whoa."

So after work I went over to this bar in Riverside where I went to high school and was talking to this bartender, Chuck, that went to school around the time I did and I told him about that weird chick. And I kept explaining her to him 'til he was finally like -"Oh yeah." He remembered her, her name was Lori Sprieiza or whatever and I was like -Yeah, yeah, that's her. He'd seen her over in Fort Erie dancing at some titty bar a few months ago. We laughed about that shit cause she was always such a little mole in school, even though you could tell, even then, that she totally had a rack.

I sat there drinking these berry flavored wine coolers talking to Chuck and watching the Sabres game and then I was getting bored in there, so I went to my car and I was going to go home but I felt too drunk and dizzy to just sit at home by myself, then I thought -fuck it, I'll go see if I can't find old Lori Spreiza.

I haven't been that much to Canada. I mean it's all right and everything, but it's kind of weird. They have different money and they talk different but in a real nice way. So I drove to where the bridge going over is and everything and when I got to the other side there's this guy there in a little booth, kind of a sissy, who thinks he's a real cool customer. He's like not even looking at me and he's all asking questions and I say -"What?" And he says something again that I can't understand and I said -"What the fuck did you say? Sittin' in shit? What does that mean?" And then he's like all serious and he says, "CI-TI-ZEN-SHIP?" And I was like "ooooh. Well aren't you a little nosey Nellie?" He says, "Are you American ma'am?" And I was like, "'Ma'am' was mother's name. I'm Velma, hoser."

So he waves for me to pull over and these guys start coming towards me from some weird looking building, like a bus garage or something, so I just wheel back straight and hit the gas and they're all diving out of the way and scrambling.

Anyway I made the first turn I came to and start driving down this street and I see a few places that look like table dance dives. So I park and start going' in to one of them and I hear sirens somewhere over by the river. The dude at the door was real weird to me but I was like, "does Lori dance here?" He acted like he didn't know her. I said, "From Riverside, she's a sadist or whatever." He was like, "wouldn't you rather patronize another establishment?" Which I figured out meant he wanted me to leave and I was gonna tie his dick to his armpit hair but I thought -fuck it. So I walked down the street and found another joint and the dude there was more friendly. He was like, "You can come to work for me anytime." So I was talking to him about Lori and he seemed to be listening, then he got somebody else to watch the door and we sat down at the bar and started talking and he was buying me Canadian beers, which are quite good.

I kept explaining Lori to him but he was just like, "So, you have weekends off, right? You could start with a couple shifts on weekends and you'll be making more here than over at that factory."

Finally, I said, "In school, she was like a teacher, real straight and shit." And then he was like, to some guy behind the bar, "Hey, Gavin, what was that dancer's name that did the teacher act?" And Gavin said, "Na-keed, Stark Na-Keed or something."

I was like, "the bitch stole my name."

Well, I'm out of room so I'll finish telling about Lori Spreiza next time.

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